He asked you out on a date and you gladly accepted. You had an amazing time  during the date and he seemed to have fun, too.  He showed interest, held  your hand and even kissed you goodnight.  The only problem is…he hasn’t  called!  This can be so confusing, frustrating and extremely  disappointing.

 So….Why Hasn’t He Called?

Here are few possibilities:

He’s not ready for a relationship.  He may not be  ready to settle down and sensed that you are.  If that was the case, you’re  one lucky lady.  He actually did you a favor.  Now you’re available to  find the relationship ready man who you deserve.

He’s ready for a relationship, but he doesn’t see you as “wife material”. If he’s marriage minded and senses that you’re not “wife  material”, he won’t want to waste your time.  Women that men  view  as “wife material” have integrity (their words and actions  match) and confidence.  They are authentic and communicate in an assertive  way (win-win).

 He didn’t feel the same connection that you  did. Something prevented him from connecting with you.  Did  you put up a barrier up during the date? Barriers are often created  from negative beliefs about men or relationships.  Did you have on armor  during the date?  In order to truly connect with others, we must take off  our armor and be vulnerable.  Did you feel insecure during the date?   If so, it could be your romantic attachment  style.

He sensed desperation.  This is a huge turn off to  men.  If he senses that you're desperate, which translates into needy, he  will feel apprehensive about starting a relationship with you.  Dating  someone needy can feel like taking on another full-time job.  Also  men, just like women, want to feel special.  When a woman appears desperate, it sends a message that  she’s not discerning and just wants a man, any man.

 If he didn’t call, don’t blame yourself.  It’s not about you, it’s  either 1) about him or 2) about the messages  you’re (unknowingly) sending.  Before your next date, get clear about  what you really want in a man and then shift your focus to what you think about  him and how you feel around him.

Remember, dating brings opportunity after opportunity.  Or as my  grandmother would say, “Men are like buses. Another one will come by in a few  minutes”.   The key is to be ready when the next one comes by.

By Renee Duren

Most singles who struggle to develop and maintain a relationship have one thing in common, an insecure romantic attachment style.  So what’s a romantic attachment style? Think of your romantic attachment style  as the way you go about connecting on dates and in relationships.  The way you attempt to connect on date can make or break your chances of
  getting another date.  And the way  you connect in a relationship will directly affect your level of satisfaction  with that relationship. 

I’ll give a brief overview of the different attachment styles and a few tips for the three most common styles.  If you have a style other than secure,  I recommend learning more about romantic attachment and your specific  attachment style as it could change your dating life.

 To determine your attachment style, visit the University of  Pennsylvania’s Authentic Happiness site  (authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/questionnaires.aspx) and complete the “Close  Relationships” questionnaire.

 There are four attachment styles:
 1.  Secure
 2.  Anxious (also referred to as Preoccupied or Ambivalent)
 3.  Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive)
 4.  Fearful Avoidant 

We’ll briefly discuss secure attachment, anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.  Only a small  fraction of the population falls into the fearful avoidant attachment category so I’m not going to cover it here.

It’s important to note that these are styles rather than pathology.  Also, attachment styles  can change based on an individual’s experiences and relationships. The main focus here is to bring awareness to your dominant style so that  you can date in a more mindful way.

 Adults with a Secure Attachment Style:
·     Find it  easy to get close to, trust and depend on their partners in romantic  relationships 
·     Are open  to emotional closeness and long term commitment 
·     Tolerate differences and respond to their partner’s needs as well as their own needs 
·      Are  comfortable when partners depend on them  
 
If Your Attachment Style is  Secure:
 ·      You have the ability to establish a successful, lasting relationship with any attachment style. In  fact, people with an insecure style (avoidant or anxious) can actually develop a  secure attachment style when paired with someone who has a secure attachment  style.

 ·       However,  your attachment style can change as well.  So it’s important to be aware of behavior that you find  unacceptable.  You can wind up in a bad relationship by tolerating unacceptable behavior and  continuously giving a partner the benefit of the  doubt.

 Adults with an Anxious  Attachment Style:
·    Frequently experience anxiety and uncertainty in their romantic  relationships
·    Seek reassurance and worry about their relationships
·    Are excessively vigilant in relationships and believe that romantic relationships are extremely  fragile 
·    Desperately want to be close, but have little trust in romantic
partners

 If Your Attachment Style is  Anxious:
·       You have the ability to become more secure by dating someone with a secure attachment style.  In  fact, this is a great goal.  The  best way for you to be in a fulfilling relationship is to seek out a secure  partner.  Why?  Because people with a secure attachment style are willing and able to  offer the closeness, reassurance, stability, consistency and commitment that  you need.

·        Beware of  dating people with an avoidant attachment style.  When someone with an anxious attachment pairs up with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, it’s like oil and  water.  The person with anxious  attachment style wants closeness and the person with an avoidant attachment  style wants to keep others at arm’s length.  It’s a recipe for a toxic relationship  for both people involved.  Neither one of you will ever be satisfied.   And both insecure styles will be reinforced.   The idea (held by the person with the anxious attachment style) that  relationships are fragile and require constant vigilance is reinforced.  And the idea  (held by the person with the avoidant attachment style) that people want more  closeness and dependence than they’re willing to provide is reinforced.

·        Popular dating advice is counterproductive for people with attachment anxiety.  When you use popular dating tips such as “create mystery by appearing unavailable” or “act you don’t care too much”  you make yourself more attractive to people with attachment avoidance.  It’s important for you to be up front and authentic.  If you know you  want to purchase a brand new BMW, you wouldn’t waste your time by shopping at  the Toyota dealership.  So if you  want a close, committed relationship look others that want the same thing.  Remember if  someone wants a close, committed relationship they won’t be scared away by  someone who wants the same.  

·        It’s  helpful for you to shift your mindset on dates.  People with an anxious attachment style  often get wrapped up in “Does she or he like me?”   This strategy is harmful and not helpful at all.   When you are focused on what the other person thinks about you, you lose  sight of how compatible the two of you are.  Not to mention, you give the other  person all of the power (and you’ll probably wind up being resentful about it).  You can easily avoid giving your power away and losing sight of compatibility  by making a shift in your mindset.   Moving forward, ask yourself “Is this someone who  is capable of emotional intimacy and commitment?” 
 
Adults with an Avoidant  Attachment Style: 
·      Work hard  to keep people at arm’s length
·      Look down  on dependency
·       Are  uncomfortable receiving support from their partner
·       Are  sometimes unable or unwilling to provide the connection and intimacy that their partner wants
·       Find it  difficult to trust others and work hard to maintain emotional distance 
 
If Your Attachment Style is Avoidant: 
·        You have the ability to become more secure by dating someone with a secure attachment style. Like those with an anxious attachment style, this is a great goal for you.  The best way for you to be in a  satisfying relationship is to seek out a secure partner.   Why? Because people with a secure attachment style are willing and able to  offer you the independence that so valuable to  you.

·        Beware of  dating people with an anxious attachment style.  When someone with an avoidant  attachment style pairs up with someone who has an anxious attachment style, it’s  like oil and water.  The person  with anxious attachment style wants closeness and the person with an avoidant  attachment style wants to keep others at arm’s length.   It’s a recipe for a toxic relationship for both people involved.  Neither one of you will ever be  satisfied.  And both insecure  styles will be reinforced.  The  idea (held by the person with the anxious attachment style) that relationships  are fragile and require constant vigilance is reinforced.   And the idea (held by the person with the avoidant  attachment style) that people want more closeness and dependence than you’re  willing to provide is reinforced.

·        Be  cautious of thinking you just haven’t found “the one”.   Singles with other attachment styles use this phrase, but for singles  with an avoidant attachment style it’s a way to avoid looking within.  People with attachment avoidance  believe the reason they just can’t seem to “connect” with their partners is  because they haven’t met “the one”.   And when they do meet “the one” they will connect  without putting forth any effort. 
 
What is your attachment style?  What effect does your attachment style  have on your dating results?

 Join the discussion by leaving your questions and comments  below.

Best wishes on your dating  journey!

From the Heart,
Renee

By Renee Duren

Phone Etiquette and Dating

The goal of a date is to establish a connection.  Checking or using your phone puts up barriers that prevent you and your date from connecting. If you take out your phone during a date, you risk:
 ·        
Getting Distracted - When you’re distracted you miss out on an opportunity to really get to know your date. 
·        
Broadcasting the Wrong Messages– If your using your phone during a date, the other person doesn’t get a
chance to know the real you.  So they’ll likely form their opinion based on the information available…the fact
that you’re distracted by your phone.  By focusing on your phone, you come across as rude,nervous, insecure or even self-centered.
   ·        
Missing out on an Amazing Date-Save the texts, tweets and FB status updates for another time.  Focus on your date and have fun!
 ·        
Looking Rude –Remember, your date is sharing their valuable time with you.  Be respectful of their time by being present during the date.
 
Avoid putting up barriers during a date by switching the ringer and notification settings to silent OR turn your phone off.

Politely excuse yourself from the table if you must check your phone for updates.


Texting Guidelines for Early in a Relationship:
    
·   If you’re lost or running late for a date

·   To ask “How’s your day?”

·   To say “Thanks” or “I had fun” after a date
       
Use a phone call for everything else!

P.S. NEVER ask someone out via text!